Transcript of Elliot Goes to School
(Elliot is sleeping with his head on the ground)
Radio: The wait is over, purchase your copy today of the…
(Elliot smashes radio with his fist)
Elliot: Ah, first day of school (Breaths out, then breaths in, and exhales again.)
(Elliot walks in and out of the restroom)
(Elliot goes into the kitchen for coffee. He smells the coffee, but gets some anyways)
(Elliot watches TV)
TV: This is Sparta (Shows a parody of Spartacus)
(Elliot takes a sip, and changes to Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Francis on TV: Woo, bumper cars
(Francis is seen on a tricycle)
(Elliot looks up at the clock in astonishment. The clock says 8:05)
(Elliot remembers an e-mail)
From: a school To: Some Kid
Subject: Class Schedule
All students must report to homeroom no later than 8:00 AM on September 8, 2009.
Or else your name is Elliot
(Elliot drops the mug of coffee)
(He opens the garage door which hits a cinder block. The cinderblock ricochets off a wall and hits Elliot.)
(Elliot gets up and smacks his face on the garage door button)
(Elliot rides his bike to school)
(Elliot rides in the city and hits into a red car)
Guy in red car: Bitch ass
(Elliot notices a bus in the path, but finds a shortcut through a building.)
Elliot: Woo, bumper cars
(Elliot flies off a building and rams into an innocent civilian on a stairwell)
(Elliot continues riding, and rides off an small ramp over two firemen, but hits his head on the overpass)
Fireman: Learn to drive, asshole
(Elliot rides his bike into the school and runs into two students)
(Elliot finally faceplants into his homeroom)
Mr. Cool: Rofloporolfolop sit down and all that shit
(Elliot walks to his desk)
Mr. Cool: Hi, my name is Mr. Cool and I’m going to be your Italian teacher for your sophomore year.
Brandon: Mr. Cool! That’s such a cool name! I wish my last name was cool. (Laughs and snorts)
(Brandon plants his face back onto his desk)
Mr. Cool: Now, to take attendance. Bob.
(Bob raises his hand)
Mr. Cool: Joe
(Joe raises his hand)
Mr. Cool: Elliot?
(Elliot is sleeping on his desk)
Mr. Cool: Elliot?
(Brandon wakes up and smacks Elliot and continues waving his arms around)
Brandon: HEY FAGOLA, HE CALLED YOUR NAME!
Mr. Cool: (sighs) Are you Elliot?
Elliot: Actually, there’s a possible chance of my name being Elliot
(Mr. Cool is dumstruck)
Elliot: But considering the fact that you are a stranger to me and do not exactly know what my name clearly is
(7 years later)
Elliot: But upon knowing about Brandon’s whereabouts, you would obviously come to the conclu-
(Brandon wakes up and throws a shoe at Elliot)
Brandon: SHUT UP! (Brandon waves his arms around again)
Brandon: His real name is Collin, but we call him Elliot ‘cause we’re cool. (Laughs)
Mr. Cool: Yeah, whatever. Brandon?
Brandon: Brandon’s not here, please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! PAH!
(Brandon slides off his desk)
Elliot: That’s Brandon.
Mr. Cool: I figured. Anyways that’s the attendance for to-
Bill Clinton: What did you smoke too many doobies, you forgot about me, dude.
Mr. Cool: Oh, I’m sorry. Bill Clinton?
Brandon: (Speaking Italian) Yeah, o pante grande, and pantolone with mio, HA!
(Brandon gets kicked through the door)
Mr. Cool: See you tomorrow class.
(Elliot walks into Mr. Higglesworth’s class. Brandon flies into Mr. Higglesworth on the way in)
Mr. Higglesworth: Sit your fat asses down you pack of used condoms. Look at you little shits. With their yellow wristbands, and their biggest skateboarding shoes, and their hoodies over their heads, and their hot sports cars, and their hot girlfriends, and all of their video games, and oversized jeans, and their stupid sense of humor. You fagolas make me sick. Literally, SICK! Hold on, let me call the doctor.
Brandon: (Laughs) This guy’s my kind of funny. (Laughs again)
Mr. Higglesworth: You know what, your face is funny. (Throws a syringe at Brandon)
(Audience is astonished and laughs)
Brandon: (With a civilized voice) Hey, that’s not nice.
Mr. Higglesworth: Your mom was never nice either.
(Some fagola raises his hand)
Mr. Higglesworth: What the hell do you want?
Some fagola: Sometimes, I dream about cheese.
(Mr. Higglesworth throws a shoe at him)
Mr. Higglesworth: That’s great. Anyways, back to my fucking retarded speech. Which I never started because those fagolas threw me off my groove. Especially you! (points at Brandon) You dicksponge. Anyway, my name is Mr. Higglesworth (Points to his name tag) and if you do what I tell you to then you all fail, (laughs nasally) fail is such a funny word (laughs nasally again).
Emo kid: Hmm (Whispers to Francis)
Mr. Higglesworth: No talking, F!
(Throws a stool at emo kid)
Emo kid: The fuck is this shit?
Bill Clinton: Yo teacher, yo yo yo!
Mr. Higglesworth: What do you think you are some fagola in a gang going yo yo yo motherfucker F!
(Mr. Higglesworth throws a washing machine at Bill Clinton)
(Elliot is drawing on his desk while Francis watches over)
Mr. Higglesworth: Oh look, we have a little artist in the class. Let’s see how bad his drawing is.
(Mr. Higglesworth looks over at a drawing of a furry animal in a chair)
Mr. Higglesworth: (High pitch laugh) Not only an artist, but a furfag, ha, now everyone point and laugh (High pitch laugh again)
(Mr. Higglesworth throws the drawing out the window and hits a girl on a bike)
Girl on bike: Ow!
Francis: Hey, that is uncalled for.
Mr. Higglesworth: Well since this fagola talked in class, POP QUIZ!
(Cuts to Mr. Higglesworth playing on the Wii on the couch which everyone takes a pop quiz)
Brandon: Hey guys, did you ever play the game Second Life?
Elliot: (Thinking) What does 3y(2x)*98/32-6-n-x-3-poop=? What the hell is this?
2.) Answer the following:
a. If half a can of soda is half full, it is?
b. Answer A, please?
c. If you are retarded, what should you do:
· Take this test
· Take this test
· Take this test
· Take this test?
QUIZ, WHATEVER, IDK GO AWAY
Mr. Higglesworth: This is algebra you fagola. I heard your thoughts, F!
(Throws a stool at Elliot)
Mr. Higglesworth: You talked, double F!
Brandon: Wow, double F? that sounds sexy.
Mr. Higglesworth: You talked, A+!
Mr. Higglesworht: F!
Brandon: (Breaths quickly) Hey Elliot! I can give you the answer to number 1 if you throw this paper at Mr. Higglesworth.
Mr. Higglesworth: No talking during a quiz, A+.
Brandon: Nevermind, HA! Fagola. (Throws paper at Elliot)
(School bell rings)
Mr. Higglesworth: The bell rang, all of you fail.
(Cuts to Elliot walking to Ms Person’s room)
Ms. Person: Hello class, please sit in a seat immediately.
Brandon: (Points and laughs at Ms Person)
Ms. Person: Stop laughing and sit down.
Brandon: (Civilized) Oh okay, sorry (Back to childish laughter again)
Ms Person: My name is Ms. Person, and I will being teaching chemistry for this year.
Brandon: (Continues laughing) What are you, I Robot? (Laughs again)
Ms. Person: I have a broken voice box and need to use the text-to-speech translator to speak to the class.
Brandon: Text-to-speech, more like text-to-gay. (Laughs) I’m so funny.
Ms. Person: Now I will be taking attendance. Please raise your hand when I call your name.
Brandon: (Civilized voice) H-hold on one sec.
(Brandon throws Ms. Person out of her chair and out the window)
Brandon: (using the text-to-speech translator) I am an old fuck that likes to do nothing except do Elliot’s mom wygnionf 343 is penis, penis, penis.
(Brandon goes back to his desk, and Ms. Person comes back with another chair)
Ms. Person: That was not necessary. Please do not do that ever again, or I will fail you for the marking period.
Brandon: That’s why you like my puppet shows.
(Brandon throws Ms. Person out the hall, down the stairwell, and out a window)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Okay, so this story is about some guy or whatever. So he’s walking down the sidewalk and this black hobo comes from a corner and asks “Can I have some money, I’m poor, hahaha.” So the guy’s all like “No, I’m racist, poopface, and I don’t like hobos.” So then they like fight and shit, then that’s the end.
(School bell rings)
(Cuts to Elliot walking to the gym)
Gym Teacher: Drop down and give me twenty, all of you-
Brandon: Give you twenty of what? Twenty pieces of poop to throw at your face?
Gym Teacher: Do not back talk to me young man, or you will spend the rest of your life in boot camp. Give me twenty push-ups pronto.
Gym teacher: Ten hut! Line a formation against the wall.
Brandon: Hey fagola, you’re a gym teacher, not an army general.
Gym teacher: I was a general for the army for twenty-five years, so suck it up woman. Now what I want all of you to do is climb this rope. The higher you go, the higher your grade gets. The lucky one that’s up is you. (Points at Brandon)
Brandon: Of course me, because teachers seem to love the students they yell at.
(Brandon climbs up the rope)
Brandon: Hey, I could see fagola city from here. Oh look, there’s Elliot’s house. (Points off in a direction, but then falls) AAAAAH
(Brandon hits the ground)
Gym Teacher: Hmm, F, next!
(Bill Clinton comes up)
(Brandon is dragged off into an ambulance)
Bill Clinton: Beard before base, ladies.
(Bill Clinton climbs up the rope, but then starts going delusional)
Bill Clinton: Whoa, WHOA! I think I smoke too many doobiiiiiii-!
(Bill Clinton falls and hits the ground)
Gym Teacher: D, next!
(Elliot comes up to the rope, and starts climbing up)
(The top of the rope breaks from the roof)
Elliot: (In his mind) You’re kidding me.
(Elliot falls and flails against the floor)
Gym Teacher; Hmm, F, next!
(Bell rings and closes up on Elliot’s face)
Elliot: (monologue over Elliot walking outside and climbing on his bike and rides off) Sometimes I could wish I could imagine myself 10 years from now, out of college, living life without boundaries. But, at the end of the day, it's just a step closer to the future. The future tends to unfold as it should... well, at least I think it does.
(Camera catches Elliot)
(The End and credits)